Munich - Fixed appointments have become an exception in many people's lives.

While previously, it sufficed to say "Friday at 8" when setting a date, nowadays people discuss an appointment, but then agree to ring each other shortly beforehand only to postpone or cancel it. For some people, a short text message is all it takes.

It appears nobody wants to be pinned down by fixed appointments, but constant postponements amount to bad conduct and prevent real friendships from developing, behavioral experts say.

"The technology of the virtual world makes it easy for us to be non-committal," said psychotherapist and psychologist Gabrielle Ruetschi of Zurich. In a book about the current trend of being non- committal about obligations, Ruetschi investigates where this comes from.

"We don't have to look other people in the eye," Ruetschi said. The convenience of a short text message or e-mail means we don't have to be confronted with the disappointment or aggravation of the person receiving the message. As a result, the inhibition threshold for cancelling appointments and breaking promises is lower.

"Text messages are ideal for people who shy away from conflict because they don't have to sit across from the other person," said Joachim Engl of a Munich-based institute for communication therapy.

However, it is most impolite to send negative information in a text message, said behavioral trainer Salka Schwarz of Berlin. "Sending a cancellation or notifying someone that you will be late in a text message is bad style," she said. Nevertheless, people, especially young people, are casual about how they handle modern communications.

For example, four of 10 youths between the ages of 14 and 19 said it was OK to end a relationship in a text message, according to a survey by a German website. About the same number said they saw nothing wrong with breaking up by e-mail. The results were far different among the over 50s who participated in the survey and 80 per cent said such conduct was unimaginable.

But modern communications are not entirely to blame for people being non-committal, Ruetschi said. She describes in her book a young generation that prizes fun and feeling good. "They would pay any price to satisfy their own emotional needs," she said, adding that there's little room for dependability and loyalty. "Everyone lives in his own Me Company."

Such conduct is disrespectful toward other people's time, Schwarz points out. In her experience, people get punished in the long run. Cancelling dates at short notice is considered bad behaviour. Colleagues and friends remember this and know they can't depend on the person.

Trying to circumvent conflict by using text messages or e-mail only brings a short-term escape, Engl said. Sooner or later it will arise again. Psychologically, it's best to confront problems immediately using clear words - and they don't always take the other person by surprise.

"Politeness doesn't mean that you have to approve of everything," said Schwarz. In her experience, many people complain about other people's unreliability. They long for more commitment in their private and professional lives.

Ruetschi has also observed this yearning and speaks of a counter-movement.

"Respect for other people is growing in importance in the way children are raised," she said. Many people have learned from experience that satisfying one's own needs alone doesn't bring happiness and they are teaching their children traditional values like dependability and loyalty.

Commitment in all aspects of life is not always easy, Ruetschi said. She has often had to balance commitment to her children and husband against her commitment to her career.

"But commitment counts more than in one's circle of friends than anywhere else," Ruetschi said. "Among acquaintances it is less important. In professional life commitment is considered a "functional" value. In the end, every person must work out whether they want to show commitment. (dpa)